It ain't fair you died too young. Like a story that had just begun

As I'm driving South on highway 99, coming home from a short beach trip with the family, I made a quick pit stop just 5 miles short of Monmouth at mile marker 67; The location of the Micheal's accident. As I'm passing Monmouth, my heart rate starting to race. I felt sick to my stomach and almost nervous as I approached the crash site. I reached the spot and pulled over. I admire the memorial Michael's mom had put there just earlier that week and took a few pictures. I then look down the hill; the hill, where the car slide down and crashed at the bottom. I stood there, and the tears started rolling. Pieces of the car was still scattered everywhere, the field where the car had landed was still messed up. The tire treads were still very visible that led from the road, all the way down the hill. I started having visions, as if I was there at the site, when the accident happened. In between the sobs, I kept asking myself, "Why?"

That's when more questions came to my head. "What was the driver doing that caused him to just drive off the road? Did he fall asleep?" There were no other cars involved in the accident. The roads were clear, no ice, rain, snow or fog. The driver said he had looked down at his phone for about a second just before he crashed, but had he been texting while he was driving? How did the driver just get up and walk away from the accident with no injuries? Why did Michael have to die? Would Michael had lived if he had been driving??

My questions of course remain unanswered. I may never know what caused the accident. The driver was cited for reckless driving, so that right there tells me that something happened. Something the driver doesn't want to say. It makes me angry, but who knows maybe later on he will admit to his mistake. I know that it wont bring Michael back, but it would make me feel better knowing what happened and that the driver suffers the consequences of what he caused.

I hope everyone has a happy New Year. It will be weird for me to start the new year without my best friend. Things just aren't the same without him. Take care Michael and may your memories live on forever.

Merry Christmas to me

It's been a month since our goodbye. Still can't believe you are gone.
I check my phone, expecting a phone call or text message from you, only to be disappointed.
I think about you all the time more then I thought I would. I miss you. I want you back. I need you. Things aren't the same without you. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your jokes. But most of all I miss your friendship.

I know goodbye is not forever. I know that someday we will see eachother again. But Michael please know, I'm waiting for the day where we will meet again. Merry Christmas

Week 1- success!

When I first started doing weight watchers, I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. It's hard keeping track of all the points and planning meals so you don't go over. Not to mention that I'm usually still hungry after eating my meals. I was definitely struggling. I mean loosing weight isn't easy, so I knew that it was going to be hard, but within the first week? It didn't seem fair whenever I see people eating foods that I love and know that I couldn't eat it. Especially when it comes to sweets!

I didn't feel different about myself. I still felt fat and glare at the nasty stretch marks on my stomach. I wasn't expect these types of results so quickly. But when I stepped on the scale this morning, and saw my weight being 5 pounds lower then last week, I know that this will be worth it. Something that I can continue doing to get the results that I want. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but in the end I know that it will be worth it.

Still can't believe you are gone

I went over to a friends house the other night. A friend that has just recently passed away. Good food was provided (as always), lots of memories and stories were shared, and a few tears were shed. There was a lot of people at the house and it was strange at first to see so many people. I kept thinking to myself that Michael was going to show up, expecting him to drive up in his car. I had to keep reminding myself that he is gone... And isn't coming back.

But even after telling myself that my dear friend is gone I would wonder around the house. Then I decided to go to his bedroom. I did really good about holding back the tears through out the night but as soon as I entered his bedroom the water works started going. His room looked the same, his stuff was left where it was suppose to be, the only thing missing was Michael. I looked around and sobbed as I looked through old pictures. Lots of memories filled my head. I sat in his room for quite sometime, until I couldn't cry anymore.

The night ended with me taking home something of Michael's so that I can keep it with me at all times. It's still hard to think about Michael being gone without crying. It's going to take quite some time to get passed this but with the love and support I get from my family and friends I know things will get easier.

Weight watchers: Postpone

Due to recent events the weight watchers program I started awhile was postponed. It was under too much stress to plan out meals and keep up with the program. Now that things have calmed down I plan on re-starting the program come Monday.

"If at first you don't succeed, try and try again."

Yeah I know old and cheesy, but it's true

In memory of Joseph Michael Pablo Jr.

"Life is precious. Love is eternal. Death is merely a door separating where we are from where we are going"

I first met Michael in the 8^th grade when we were students at Highland View Middle School, in Corvallis.  Even though, he moved away in high school, we have stayed in touch and remained friends.  I know that Michael would thank you all for being here today and supporting his family and friends. 

Michael was a very kind and loving person.  He was like a brother to me.  Michael’s family and friends had the pleasure and joy of his presence in their lives for 24 years During that short time, he touched many hearts with that slow smile, that quiet demeanor, that twinkle in his eyes.  Everyone who knew Michael knew he was always there to help and support you, a good son, brother and a solid friend.  You couldn’t ask for more than that. 

I feel in my heart that Michael has taken his place with God’s angels.  His time here on earth was lived to the fullest.  Right now, it is hard for us to comprehend the loss that we are feeling after his passing.  With the passing of time, the pain of his loss will lessen, but the memories that we have of Michael will remain strong in our hearts and we will never forget him.

I'd like to dedicate the following poem to him

----Love Lives On by Amanda Bradley

Those we love

Are never really lost to us—

We feel them

In so many special ways—

Through friends

They always cared about

And dreams they left behind,

In beauty that they added to our days…

In words of wisdom,

We still carry with us

And memories that never will be gone….

Those we love

Are never really lost to us---

For everywhere their special love

Lives on.

A Thanksgiving I will always remember, but hopefully never repeat

This Thanksgiving was definitely an interesting one. It went by fast and the next thing you know it was time to go back to work. But this year was different for me. While most people woke up Thursday morning to get ready for their feast of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy with many loved ones gathered around the table, I woke up early to say goodbye to a very good friend of mine.

It was just the morning before when my best friend, Michael Pablo, was in a bad car accident when the car he was riding in ran off the road, struck a tree, and rolled several times before landing upside down. He was transferred to the hospital where he suffered major brain damage. Things didn't get better, for he was declared brain dead the next morning. Not really the best way to start your Thanksgiving holidays, or any day really, but I went about my regular festivities.

Death is scary thing, especially when it's so unexpected. It's so unknown to us living and healthy people. It's hard to except and at first I didn't want to believe it. I kept thinking to myself, "am I dreaming?" And then once the shock wore off, my mind filled with questions. Why did it happen? Why him? Why did it have to be near Thanksgiving? How does someone just drive off the road? Why did he have to die?

I will never know exactly what happened that Wednesday on the morning of November 24th. All I know is that I'm going to miss Michael so much. He was my best friend. Someone who was always there for me. He will be greatly missed, but his memories will live on forever. Rest in peace Joseph Michael Pablo Jr. I will always remember you

Introduction

So here's the story- I have been struggling with my weight for awhile now and I have gotten to a point where I'm actually going to do something about it. Here is what I am going to do to jump start my weight loss program:

1)Reduce my calorie intake:
This sounds harder then is it. With all the processed foods out there it's hard to find food (that doesn't cost you an arm and leg) that in sense is "good for you." Don't get me wrong, I love my macaroni and cheese and hamburger helper so I'm not about to get rid of all my food that comes in a box. The easiest way to do this is decrease the portion size. Instead of eating it all in one sitting, split it up and save the rest for later. I need to remember that my food isn't going to go anywhere :)

2)Exercise:
Pretty much anything cardio. At moment I am switching between running and using the elliptical at Timberhill, but I am willing to try anything. I enjoy going on walks, biking, swimming, hiking, and even just kicking/throwing a ball around at the park with some friends. I would like to change my routine up once in awhile so I don't get bored with doing the same thing over and over again.

3)Lay off the junk food:
I will confess that I have a pretty bad sweet tooth. I LOVE candy and chocolate of all sorts! What I have started doing to help curve my sweet cravings is chew gum (sugarless of course.) Something fruity and sweet that can take off that edge of eating something sweet. I have also tried sucking on a hard piece of candy like a jolly rancher. So far these techniques have worked, but let me know if you have any other ideas!

4)Want a snack? Try something healthy instead:
Instead of grabbing for a bag of chips, I'm will eat some sort of fruit or vegetable. Cucumbers, carrots, celery, apples, pears, peaches and oranges just to name a few. I like eating my celery and carrots with low-fat ranch dressing and peanut butter with my apples and celery as well :)

With the holidays coming up, it might be a little hard but I'm going to do the best I can!

My goal

Starting on Monday I will be starting weight watchers. Tyrel was able to give me all the information about it for free. He took the time to explain the point system to me, and I went though all of my food and marked what food was how many points. It is going to take a lot of patience and time, but I am determined to lose this weight!

My goal is too loose about 1-2 pounds a week.

Starting weight: 195 lbs
Goal weight: 150 lbs

That's 45 pounds total.
I picked this weight because I've weighed this much before so I know that it is possible for me to achieve my goal. I want to be happy with the way I look. I want to look good in a bathing suit. I'm not doing this to be like every other girl in media. I'm doing this for me. Because I want to.

A different perspective

After some thinking and sleeping on it, I've come to the conclusion that things aren't all bad. The fact that I was given the news of my schedule changing at such short notice without discussing it with me, was a big shock to me. I didn't know what to think and I got upset thinking that I did something wrong that caused me to lose my classroom. It's hard to accept change at first, but you must try and look at the positive side of things. Yes I may be changing classrooms but I'm not leaving Little Beavers. I still get to work with kids, something I love doing. And I still get to work with the same wonderful group of people.

The only big differences that seems to be happening are the age group of the kids. I get to work with the babies, which means changing diapers, nap time and crying, but I get to play and cuddle them all day long. When holding a baby it's like instant happiness. Aside from the messiness and tears, overall it should be fun. The other big thing that is is happening is that I have to be at work at 8:30 now. Yeah it's earlier but that means I get off work earlier. I really don't mind the mornings, but after being on a set schedule of coming in later, it may take some getting use to.

There are other things that come to mind when thinking about this change. I should be grateful that I still do have a job. There are plenty of people in this world today what would love to be in my position and have some sort of job; even taking care of kids all day. Yeah, it's not what I was originally hired to do. It's not what I planned to do after going to college for 5 years, but I'm willing to take to what I can get. I will be working more hours, which means my salary will go up.

And as far as the insurance thing goes, well I will figure something out. I'm just happy that I have some sort of insurance because there are lots of people out there that don't have insurance at all. I still have the medical insurance, which is what I need the most, and if anything I can get medical insurance through work, that is completely payed for by Little Beavers.

Life is still good, I still get to work with kids everyday. I'm still happy about my job, and I still love my life. Money doesn't buy happiness, happiness comes from doing what you enjoy doing. And in the end, that's all you could ever ask for

And just when you thought you had it all...

Within the past week I was given some news that has put some major stress on me. I just recently learned that I'm going to be losing my dental and vision insurance starting in January. Luckily I still have my medical benefits for another year, but it still means that I have two months to take care of all my dental stuff: Getting my wisdom teeth removed and orthodontics. I need to stalk on contacts and hope that my vision doesn't get any worse. And because I work full time I need to somehow find time to fit my appointments in before I go to work. Luckily I don't have to be at work until 10:45...

Well that was my plan, until I found out today at work that starting on Monday I'm going to be working at 8:30. Makes it a little harder to fit appointments in. I will also be working in a different classroom, which means a different group of kids and different environment. I was told it will only be temporary, but it's still a lot to take in at the moment. As hard as it is for me to think to myself about not working in my usual environment, at the same time I do feel honored in being asked to step in during our time of crisis at work, knowing that it's hard to find "state regulated" qualified infant toddler teacher.

Trying to stay positive about everything. I'm going to need it the next few months

The "L" word

Do you believe in love at first site? I'd like to say that I don't, but it's so hard not to when you feel that everything in your relationship is going so perfectly. You have so much in common and enjoy doing the same things. It's someone you can have fun with and be yourself. They do nice things for you without a guilt trip, and are kind and treat with the respect that you deserve.

It's been 3 months since I've started this new relationship and I can proudly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I can't complain about anything wrong with my relationship. There is a logically explanation to this: the honeymoon phase. Now that the 3 month time period has passed, my feelings for Tyrel feel stronger then ever. A time where you kinda sorta "like" someone and the like word turns into something else. A 4 letter word that people dread saying, because once you say it, there is no turning back.

Of course there is something else that happens once the initial honeymoon phase starts to wear off. You then start to notice the other persons flaws. Once the flaws become noticeable, it's up to you to decide whether or not you not to deal with them, or leave the person. I for one have noticed a few things I don't like, but I'm willing to take a risk and am curious to know where this relationship will lead to.

Life lesson

It was the beginning of my senior year when I announced that I would have a new boy in my life. The warning signs were there that this wasn't a good choice but I went through the decision anyway. I started loosing friendships, I cut back on my social life, my relationship with my family was destroyed, but I was still determined to make things work. I graduate from high school, my senior year of hell was over and I start college. I move away from home with high hopes of succeeding, but long distance relationships never work out and do nothing but cause you pain and anxiety.

Another year goes by and I move back to my parents house. My past friendships are nothing but a distant memory. With a sense of frustration, I continue on with the path I chose and decide that it was for the best to stick with this "wonderful" boy who influenced me so much. The next thing to do is to move in together, into a place that I can't afford and am left on my own to pay for stuff. I don't realize that I'm on a path of destruction and instead ignore the fact that I'm by myself in this downward slope. Things get worse between me and him and in every effort to make things work, I isolate myself even more. I make excuses for things completely unreasonable and put the blame on myself. I give all I have left into the relationship, only to find out I'm pushing him away.

I should have seen the next thing coming- the breakup, move out and the "what the hell do I do now" feeling. It's during times like these you find out who your real friends are; who really cares about you. And even if they don't agree with everything you do, they still support you. They are still there for you when you need them. The shoulder to cry on, the advise giver, the listener. They agree with you, even if they don't want to, and laugh with you and tell you "I told you so" once you've discovered your mistake. They help you look at both sides of the story- good and bad and tell you things you don't want to hear. They have and always will love you.

Love... It's amazing that one little word can change the meaning of your life. Love can control your life and makes you do stupid things. Things you can't really explain and don't make sense to you, but you do them anyway. It consumes you and feel that this is how it should be, no matter what. It isn't until after that you realize just how life changing one little word can bring. And even after all that has happened, you still feel you can bring yourself to "love" again. Only this time, you hope to do things right.

What is love?

I can honestly say that I love my life. I'm happy and wake up with a smile on my face everyday. I am with someone that makes me happy and is kind to me and takes care of me. I could go on all day listing all the things Tyrel has done that makes him so awesome but instead I will list 2 specific events in which made me wonder what the hell I was doing with such an asshole for 5 years.

Case 1:
I was leaving for vacation on the day it was time to pick up my paycheck. I needed the money before I left otherwise I wasn't going to be able to pay for my bills, but my check wasn't ready by the time I left. Because I was gone Tyrel took the time to go pick up my paycheck, go to the bank, and deposit it into my bank account. Without him, my bills and rent would have not have been paid on time. John would have never done that for me, or if he did there would have been a guilt trip involved.

Case 2:
There weren't very many times where John would do something nice for me without me saying anything, or asking for it. Me and Tyrel were riding in the car and then all of a sudden Tyrel pulls over to the side of the road, gets out of the car and says "I'll be right back." He runs across the street, bends over and picks up a flower. He brings it back and gives it to me saying that he thought I would like it. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me. It was very sweet and I about cried.

There are other things he has done that show me that he is a good person and right for me, but those are the two that really stick out. He helps me remember to take me pills rather then give me grief for taking them, he comforts me when I need comfort, he is the sweetest and nicest guy I have ever met. I am so happy being with him and I think I'm falling for him

I'm on top of the world

It’s been a month since I’ve started dating Tyrel, and every day I become happier and spend less time thinking about John. I think back to where I was 6 weeks ago, a time when I was left on the back burner, unknown about the outcome of my future. How I spent many nights crying, waiting for a phone call that never came and feelings of being unloved. Finally something snapped, and my fuse of patience ran out. I finally decided that enough was enough.

Since I’m started my new relationship, I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Me and John are two different people with completely different personalities. The fact that I was able to put up with him for 5 years amazes me. And I don’t understand why I gave him so many opportunities and chances to get back together with me. But now, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I still wouldn’t want to get back together with him. I loved John but he broke my heart. Now it’s healed and I look back at the type of person he really is. I think about the arguments we had and the stupidest things he would get mad at me for and how he treated me. Sure it didn’t happen all the time, but I would say 40% of the time he was an asshole to me. I always said that I was happy being with John, but was I really happy or “brainwashed” into thinking that I was happy? I may never know the answer to that, but all I do know is that I’m VERY happy being in my current relationship.

Being in my current relationship I finally feel free to do the things that I enjoy doing. And aside from our different taste in music, we seem to have everything else in common- types of food we eat, activities and hobbies. I’ve been doing things that I normally didn’t get to do when I was dating John. I have someone who treats me like a human being and with respect. Someone to hold and call me beautiful. I think one of my favorite things about Tyrel, is how random and spontaneous he is. We could wake up and not have any plans and I will tell him, “Well I feel like doing this today,” and we will go and do it, no questions asked!

John is nothing but a distant memory to me now. And although we are broken up, I still think about the happy memories we shared together. I only hope that he has learned his lesson and doesn’t make the same mistakes so that he can be happy once again.

Why I love my life

I love the way I'm happy once again
I feel that I am myself
I have started a new chapter in my life- new job, new beginning, new boy
I've forgotten the past and started thinking about a better future
I cherish the good memories but forget about the bad ones
I feel on top of the world
I'm finally listening to my heart
I do the things I love to do
I'm not criticized for what I like/do
I've become a stronger person
I've become more independent
I am doing this because it's something that I want to do, not other people
My family rocks
My friends are awesome
I look forward to going to work everyday
I have moved on!

And so it begins

This past week has been the best week ever. Over the weekend I got in touch with an old friend I went to high school with. Towards the end of my junior end we sort of "dated" after I broke up with my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately it didn't last very long and that's when I met John. After that I never saw or talked to the guy again until about 2 weeks ago.

I bring this up because I can finally say that I don't want John back into my life as a boyfriend. It may have taken me a long time for me to get over him, but I think a lot of that was because I didn't want to. Even after everything that he did to me, I still wanted him back. It has nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't a strong person, I just still cared about him and loved him.

But now my heart is starting to feel whole again thanks to a new friendship. I've gone on a couple with this person and have had so much fun on all of them. He is sweet and nice and able to make me laugh. I feel happy and loved once again. For now I'm just leaving it as a mutual friendship but look forward to more dates in the future.

This is the end to a new beginning

Last weekend was one of my biggest life changing events that involved lots of tears, and emotions. A time when you say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. The weekend started off with built up anger that lead to bitterness that quickly ended my relationship with John for good. I'm not normally a cynical person and felt bad for saying all of those terrible things to John so I did end up apologizing. When I tried to reach him on Wednesday, I found out that he had blocked my phone number, leaving me unable to call or text him. He doesn't want to talk or see me and has nothing left to say to me. Although I could use a different phone to try and contact to him, I don't see much of a point because he wont answer and, according to him, he will be changing his phone number. My only source of communication with him is through email, which is part of the reason why I got so upset about it. He is too much of a coward to face me and say what he needs to say to my face so instead he sends me an email to tell me that we are done for good. I feel hurt that I didn't get to say goodbye to him properly, and am more worried about his well-being then ever.

I plan on respecting John's wishes. If he wants to be immature about the whole situation, and then go on dating an abusive/controlling, emotional, split-personality bitch, then that's his problem now. There is no point in trying to help him because nothing will change unless he is willing to change. Although I will admit to reading his email repeatedly and can't help but think that there is something... off about it. The words and vocabulary that were used are things that John doesn't normally say. And the email was sent to my 3 different emails I have, as if he didn't know which one was my primary email I use. It just doesn't make sense. A little voice in the back of my head tells me over and over that John had help writing this email, and I wouldn't doubt it if he even wrote it at all.

With emotions flying high I continued on with my weekend of celebration full of friends and family. Although the sun was high and the temperature was hot, I attended a ceremony that I have been waiting to go to for a very long time. Through out the entire ceremony I shook with both excitement and nervousness; so shaking that when I received my diploma I almost dropped it. And $10,000 and 5 years later I have a piece of paper to prove that I have graduated from college.

And all of my hard work had definitely paid off, for I already have a job lined up for me and am suppose to begin my training tomorrow. I feel very grateful for already been given a wonderful opportunity of a full time job and think of the numbers of college graduates who are stuck at a minimum wage job, having tried every job there is out there.

So this is it. This is a time for me to start new chapter in my life. I may have lost someone very close to me, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Hopefully John will figure out sooner then later that he is in a bad situation, but being that he is completely brainwashed, it's not my problem anymore for I've done all I can do. It's time for me to instead do what I enjoy doing: Teach and provide an education for children. My search for a one bedroom apartment has begun, as well as the start of adulthood.

Seize the day!

A break up is the best thing that could happen to you. It means you didn't marry the wrong person

I figured I would explain a little more about my more recent post on both here and facebook. I'm not usually a cynical person but all this built up tension and anger really got the best of me last night.

I had a conversation with John, possibly our last one. Things are little bitter between us which leads to me blocking and deleting him completely out of my life. Because of it being finals week I'm just going to leave it as it is for now, but would like to eventually patch things up with him so that things aren't so intense between us.

Having said that, I would like to say another thing: After being in a relationship for 5 and a half years you can't expect me to just forget about it and move on so quickly. You must remember that this was someone who I thought was going to be my lifelong partner. A person that is still very near and dear to me, so please I ask you, let me work through this at my own pace. I appreciate the concern but I can take care of myself.

For now, who knows what the future may bring. Maybe someday our path's (mine and John's) will cross again to hopefully make peace with each other. You may not agree with me doing this but I ask you to support me. After everything that has happened, I've come to the realization that I need to stop listening to other people and have them influence me to make decisions that I don't want to make. It's time for me to step back and allow myself to listen to my own my heart so that I may continue being happy in life. Even if that means others aren't. Take that however you want but it's what I've decided to do.

To end off I would like to quote a friend of mine who was having a discussion about with someone regarding relationships and breakups:

"It was, basically, that you cannot be married for twenty plus years and then get a divorce unless one of the two follow things has occurred. The first is that you were never really in love with each other to begin with. You loved each other, but not the kind of love that was meant "for forever." It was the hormones and the attraction and the fleeting romance that fooled you into believing that two people-any two people- could just last forever. The second thing is that you are having a personal conflict that you cannot resolve. An itch. A question not yet answered. Something you feel you need to do but haven't done yet. And for some reason, whatever that is, you can't communicate your emotions with your spouse. You can't for the life of you believe that you could go out and do these things and then come back to them satisfied."

Teaching: My True Profession

Through out my life, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. I remember way back when I was in middle school, I told all my friends and family that I was going to grow up and be a teacher, just like my uncle. At the time I knew little about teaching in general but I just had this strange feeling that I would be good at it. I loved working with little kids; interacting with them, playing games and doing hands activities. I figured since I could do all the things, teaching would be easy, right? After all, there is not much to do when it comes to teaching, as long as the children are having fun, that is all that matters. This was the mentality I use to have when it came to being a teacher. I was proved wrong once I actually started college and put in a classroom and then all of a sudden I had to come up with engaging but educational plans that are developmentally appropriate. I started thinking, “what did I get myself into?” But then I remember back when I was a junior in high school. The day when I found the real reason why I wanted to be a teacher, the day that changed my life forever.
It was not always easy growing up in my household. Being the oldest, I had to help my parents with my younger brother and sisters, which meant I was learning how to change diapers at the age of ten. By the time I was 16, I was like a 2nd mom to my youngest sister. So what does this have to do with teaching? Well, the fact that I enjoyed taking care of my younger siblings shows that I love being with kids. They bring me such joy that I could be having the worst day of my life, and I could watch a three year old bounce a ball, attempting to catch it, over and over again, and I become the happiest person in the world. The fact that kids bring me such joy, shows that I have a good quality in becoming a teacher. In order to become a teacher, you have to like being around kids, because you are around them for a good six hours of the day, five days a week. If you do not like kids, then those six hours will be total hell, you will probably be bald from pulling your hair out from frustration. I can be around kids all day, and enjoy every minute of it
So what is the real reason why I want to be a teacher? Honestly I didn’t know the answer to that until my junior year of high school, the day I was put into a classroom for a job shadow. The teacher in the classroom told me that she wanted me to work with a particular child that didn’t know how to read. So I grabbed the child, along with some books and went out into the hallway so it was just me and him. I started off by asking him which book he wanted me to read first. He shrugged his shoulders not really interested, so I picked an easy reader book asking him if he wanted to read it. He told me that he didn’t know how to read, so I replied back, “well how about I read it first, and then you can try reading it while I help you?” He agreed and I started reading it out load, while pointing to every word I was saying. After I was done, it was his turn to read and surprisingly enough he actually started to read every single word correctly, pointing to the words as he was reading. After he was done I simple said to him, “you just read a book all by yourself. Good job!” The boy smiled the biggest the smile I had ever seen, beaming from ear to ear. At that moment, I soon realized why I wanted to become a teacher. The fact that I was able to take this boy aside, who did not know how to read, and then have him be able to read a book by himself, was the greatest feeling in the world. I felt not only proud of him, but proud of myself that I taught a kid something and made a difference in his life. From that day on, I knew that teaching was my calling, and that I had made the right decision in becoming a teacher.
I soon learned that teaching is not as easy it looks. There are specific goals that need to be set and lesson plans to write that seem to take hours to do. Yes, the work may be a little overwhelming at time, but in the end it is totally worth it. You as a teacher make a difference in a child’s life, rather it be teaching them to read, or how to write their name. Whatever it may be, the rewards always override the costs. Do not get me wrong, I still struggle trying to come up with the perfect lesson, but I always try and stay optimistic about it. You really need to have a passion for teaching, because if you do not, you will be unhappy in life.

You dont just stop loving someone. Either you never did or you always will

Well the day finally came where I found out what has been going through John's head and everything finally makes sense. It may have been painful to hear what he had to say, but I feel that it's good for me to hear it. As much as I feel stupid for not figuring it out sooner, I also feel that a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Even if me and John don't plan on getting back together, I feel better knowing the reason behind everything. I think that if there anything that I have learned from all this, is how much I love and care about John. Even during the times that I hated him, I still loved him; Even after everything that has happened.

I guess that's just the kind of person I am. I was raised to always be a good person and no matter how much pain that person has caused me, I can never wish that same pain onto that person. I see the good in everyone. Even the cruel, heartless, selfish people. This probably explains why I have such a hard letting go of people. It's not because that I am not a strong person, I just am the type of person not to give up on someone, which is why I stuck with John for as long as I did.

The conclusion to the night ended in John saying, "I've f***ed up big time. And I don't blame you for never talking to me again." I don't really trust him, but the only reason why I was able to believe anything he had to say to me was because he was really broken up about it. I can't really say what's going to happen from here on out. He is in a relationship with the person he's been trying to get for the past year and now... he is absolutely miserable. Me and everyone else tried to tell him that he would hate it, but some people learn the hard the way. They need to experience it themselves in order to truly know what they want. And now that he is in this new relationship with someone else he realized that what we had was special and never knew how much he took things for granted.

I want to say that I'm sorry that things aren't working out between him and Darcy, because all I could ever want is for him to be happy, but at the same time when I hear how miserable he is, I can't help but smile and think to myself, "It serves you right asshole." I don't know what's going to happen between me and John, I just know that if he EVER wants to try and get back together me, he is going to have to work for it; big time. He knows that he will have cut Darcy out of his life for good, changing his phone number, email address and never communicate with her again. If this is something that he is willing to do for me, then I can see a sign of hope for us.

Where have all the good people gone?

I have been given a wonderful graduation gift from my grandparents recently. It was 2 weekends ago when I was told I would receive a 2004 Pontiac Grand AM and was able to pick up the car later in the week. I owe nothing on the car and they want nothing in return then for me to be kind to other people and work hard at something that makes me happy. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that will give me something so special and then want no money in return. It made me think that people that this are hard to find these days.

I always find it interesting these days that in order to do someone a favor you have to give them something in return in equal or more value. Whatever happen to the days of doing something nice for someone just for the sake of being nice? Why can't you choose to do something nice out of the kindness of your heart? I guess maybe I was brought up differently. I do nice things for people and most of the time don't ask for much back, if anything at all. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've babysat my siblings for free so my parents could go out. And it doesn't bother me in the least that they don't pay me, for I do it because I enjoy doing it. I do nice things for people because that's what a good person does.

Maybe this is why I've let people in the past take advantage of me. Because I'm too nice of a person. Because I don't ask for much in return I get used. It got to a point where I was being TOO nice. It's sad to think that this can actually happen but there came a point in time where I had to step back and simply say, "No." It was hard for me to do at first, but now that I'm older I know my limits. I know who I can turn to and who will be there for me always, no matter what.

Thanks for memories

I can finally say that it's officially over between John and I. I know you are probably wondering why the hell I'm still talking to him but I can assure you there was good reason. Something happened that put things into a different perspective about his relationship that he has with Darcy... to a point where his mother, friends and I are very concerned about him. This relationship he has with Darcy is an unhealthy one and I know we aren't dating so it's really none of my business but I still do care about him and am worried about his physical being. Since the time that me and John have split I have (as well as other people that care about him) have noticed a change in his behavior. He has become a completely different person and does things that he normally wouldn't do. He has completely isolated himself from not just me but everyone else that he use to care about. She is emotionally and mentally abusive to him that it has changed him. The John that I see now, isn't the same John I dated and it scares me and everyone else around him. So last night I made one last attempt in trying to help him but as you can see, that didn't work out so well. He is still denying everything I had to say. Now I'm at a loss at what else I can do but I guess there is nothing else that I CAN do. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I can't take the stress anymore. We are no longer on talking terms and remain to be so until SHE is out of the picture. Until then, I need to move on with my life and whatever happens, happens. All I want is for him to be happy and if he is happy being friends with her, then so be it. But if that's the case, then I want nothing to do with him because that's not the John that I know and love.

Let's say I break into your house

Let's say I break into your house

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!!
It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house.

Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.


But I say, "No! I like it here. It's better than my house. I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house)."


According to the protesters:


You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to feed me
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family



My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).


If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.


It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house.
And what a deal it is for me!!!


I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.


Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so that you can communicate with me.


Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!

America is populated and governed by idiots.

If you agree, pass it on (in English).
If not blow it off.........
along with your future Social Security funds and a lot of the former benefits of being an American Citizen.

The time has come

The time has come for me to stop listening to other people. I've come to a point in my life where I need to realize that I'm old enough to make my on decisions. It's time for me to make myself happy, even if that mean disappointing others. I need to live life the way that I want to, not other people. I know people are just trying to help because lately I have been dealing with a lot of crap but I've heard enough. I appreciate your concern about me but I'm ready to make my own decisions. You are still welcome to give me advice, but don't expect me to always listen to it; especially when you don't know the whole story. I've learned the hard way not to tell people EVERYTHING that goes on in my life and sometimes I just need someone to talk to, without the opinion of others. I know more recently people have been trying to help me with a difficult situation and have appreciated all the love and support from people, but trust me, even though you may think so, you don't know the whole story. Some new things have come up that I care not to tell you and would like to keep it that way. I guess all I'm saying is don't judge the decisions that I make, because it is for a good reason: It's what I want to do

Another sleepless night...

I feel lost. I love you but at the same time hate you. I say don't talk to me when all I want to do is hear your voice. I say don't call me but constantly check my phone to see if I even have one little message from you. My heart can't take it anymore. I love you... but I don't want to love you anymore because it causes too much pain. I've been having nightmares, causing me to wake up at night and not being able to sleep. I don't have someone to protect anymore. I'm confused about what I want anymore. I think about you constantly, of everything we've been through together and bring back happy memories. You make me happy but at the same time really mad. I don't know what happen to you but I want the old John back. The John that loved me and cared about me. The John that made me happy. The John that didn't care what people thought of him.

I don't know what to do anymore. My heart feels empty and torn into pieces. I cry whenever I think about you or talk to you. I need to know that you love me back because at the moment I don't feel that you do. You would not put me through this much pain if you did. I need you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.