The "L" word

Do you believe in love at first site? I'd like to say that I don't, but it's so hard not to when you feel that everything in your relationship is going so perfectly. You have so much in common and enjoy doing the same things. It's someone you can have fun with and be yourself. They do nice things for you without a guilt trip, and are kind and treat with the respect that you deserve.

It's been 3 months since I've started this new relationship and I can proudly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I can't complain about anything wrong with my relationship. There is a logically explanation to this: the honeymoon phase. Now that the 3 month time period has passed, my feelings for Tyrel feel stronger then ever. A time where you kinda sorta "like" someone and the like word turns into something else. A 4 letter word that people dread saying, because once you say it, there is no turning back.

Of course there is something else that happens once the initial honeymoon phase starts to wear off. You then start to notice the other persons flaws. Once the flaws become noticeable, it's up to you to decide whether or not you not to deal with them, or leave the person. I for one have noticed a few things I don't like, but I'm willing to take a risk and am curious to know where this relationship will lead to.

Life lesson

It was the beginning of my senior year when I announced that I would have a new boy in my life. The warning signs were there that this wasn't a good choice but I went through the decision anyway. I started loosing friendships, I cut back on my social life, my relationship with my family was destroyed, but I was still determined to make things work. I graduate from high school, my senior year of hell was over and I start college. I move away from home with high hopes of succeeding, but long distance relationships never work out and do nothing but cause you pain and anxiety.

Another year goes by and I move back to my parents house. My past friendships are nothing but a distant memory. With a sense of frustration, I continue on with the path I chose and decide that it was for the best to stick with this "wonderful" boy who influenced me so much. The next thing to do is to move in together, into a place that I can't afford and am left on my own to pay for stuff. I don't realize that I'm on a path of destruction and instead ignore the fact that I'm by myself in this downward slope. Things get worse between me and him and in every effort to make things work, I isolate myself even more. I make excuses for things completely unreasonable and put the blame on myself. I give all I have left into the relationship, only to find out I'm pushing him away.

I should have seen the next thing coming- the breakup, move out and the "what the hell do I do now" feeling. It's during times like these you find out who your real friends are; who really cares about you. And even if they don't agree with everything you do, they still support you. They are still there for you when you need them. The shoulder to cry on, the advise giver, the listener. They agree with you, even if they don't want to, and laugh with you and tell you "I told you so" once you've discovered your mistake. They help you look at both sides of the story- good and bad and tell you things you don't want to hear. They have and always will love you.

Love... It's amazing that one little word can change the meaning of your life. Love can control your life and makes you do stupid things. Things you can't really explain and don't make sense to you, but you do them anyway. It consumes you and feel that this is how it should be, no matter what. It isn't until after that you realize just how life changing one little word can bring. And even after all that has happened, you still feel you can bring yourself to "love" again. Only this time, you hope to do things right.

What is love?

I can honestly say that I love my life. I'm happy and wake up with a smile on my face everyday. I am with someone that makes me happy and is kind to me and takes care of me. I could go on all day listing all the things Tyrel has done that makes him so awesome but instead I will list 2 specific events in which made me wonder what the hell I was doing with such an asshole for 5 years.

Case 1:
I was leaving for vacation on the day it was time to pick up my paycheck. I needed the money before I left otherwise I wasn't going to be able to pay for my bills, but my check wasn't ready by the time I left. Because I was gone Tyrel took the time to go pick up my paycheck, go to the bank, and deposit it into my bank account. Without him, my bills and rent would have not have been paid on time. John would have never done that for me, or if he did there would have been a guilt trip involved.

Case 2:
There weren't very many times where John would do something nice for me without me saying anything, or asking for it. Me and Tyrel were riding in the car and then all of a sudden Tyrel pulls over to the side of the road, gets out of the car and says "I'll be right back." He runs across the street, bends over and picks up a flower. He brings it back and gives it to me saying that he thought I would like it. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me. It was very sweet and I about cried.

There are other things he has done that show me that he is a good person and right for me, but those are the two that really stick out. He helps me remember to take me pills rather then give me grief for taking them, he comforts me when I need comfort, he is the sweetest and nicest guy I have ever met. I am so happy being with him and I think I'm falling for him

I'm on top of the world

It’s been a month since I’ve started dating Tyrel, and every day I become happier and spend less time thinking about John. I think back to where I was 6 weeks ago, a time when I was left on the back burner, unknown about the outcome of my future. How I spent many nights crying, waiting for a phone call that never came and feelings of being unloved. Finally something snapped, and my fuse of patience ran out. I finally decided that enough was enough.

Since I’m started my new relationship, I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Me and John are two different people with completely different personalities. The fact that I was able to put up with him for 5 years amazes me. And I don’t understand why I gave him so many opportunities and chances to get back together with me. But now, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I still wouldn’t want to get back together with him. I loved John but he broke my heart. Now it’s healed and I look back at the type of person he really is. I think about the arguments we had and the stupidest things he would get mad at me for and how he treated me. Sure it didn’t happen all the time, but I would say 40% of the time he was an asshole to me. I always said that I was happy being with John, but was I really happy or “brainwashed” into thinking that I was happy? I may never know the answer to that, but all I do know is that I’m VERY happy being in my current relationship.

Being in my current relationship I finally feel free to do the things that I enjoy doing. And aside from our different taste in music, we seem to have everything else in common- types of food we eat, activities and hobbies. I’ve been doing things that I normally didn’t get to do when I was dating John. I have someone who treats me like a human being and with respect. Someone to hold and call me beautiful. I think one of my favorite things about Tyrel, is how random and spontaneous he is. We could wake up and not have any plans and I will tell him, “Well I feel like doing this today,” and we will go and do it, no questions asked!

John is nothing but a distant memory to me now. And although we are broken up, I still think about the happy memories we shared together. I only hope that he has learned his lesson and doesn’t make the same mistakes so that he can be happy once again.

Why I love my life

I love the way I'm happy once again
I feel that I am myself
I have started a new chapter in my life- new job, new beginning, new boy
I've forgotten the past and started thinking about a better future
I cherish the good memories but forget about the bad ones
I feel on top of the world
I'm finally listening to my heart
I do the things I love to do
I'm not criticized for what I like/do
I've become a stronger person
I've become more independent
I am doing this because it's something that I want to do, not other people
My family rocks
My friends are awesome
I look forward to going to work everyday
I have moved on!

And so it begins

This past week has been the best week ever. Over the weekend I got in touch with an old friend I went to high school with. Towards the end of my junior end we sort of "dated" after I broke up with my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately it didn't last very long and that's when I met John. After that I never saw or talked to the guy again until about 2 weeks ago.

I bring this up because I can finally say that I don't want John back into my life as a boyfriend. It may have taken me a long time for me to get over him, but I think a lot of that was because I didn't want to. Even after everything that he did to me, I still wanted him back. It has nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't a strong person, I just still cared about him and loved him.

But now my heart is starting to feel whole again thanks to a new friendship. I've gone on a couple with this person and have had so much fun on all of them. He is sweet and nice and able to make me laugh. I feel happy and loved once again. For now I'm just leaving it as a mutual friendship but look forward to more dates in the future.

This is the end to a new beginning

Last weekend was one of my biggest life changing events that involved lots of tears, and emotions. A time when you say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. The weekend started off with built up anger that lead to bitterness that quickly ended my relationship with John for good. I'm not normally a cynical person and felt bad for saying all of those terrible things to John so I did end up apologizing. When I tried to reach him on Wednesday, I found out that he had blocked my phone number, leaving me unable to call or text him. He doesn't want to talk or see me and has nothing left to say to me. Although I could use a different phone to try and contact to him, I don't see much of a point because he wont answer and, according to him, he will be changing his phone number. My only source of communication with him is through email, which is part of the reason why I got so upset about it. He is too much of a coward to face me and say what he needs to say to my face so instead he sends me an email to tell me that we are done for good. I feel hurt that I didn't get to say goodbye to him properly, and am more worried about his well-being then ever.

I plan on respecting John's wishes. If he wants to be immature about the whole situation, and then go on dating an abusive/controlling, emotional, split-personality bitch, then that's his problem now. There is no point in trying to help him because nothing will change unless he is willing to change. Although I will admit to reading his email repeatedly and can't help but think that there is something... off about it. The words and vocabulary that were used are things that John doesn't normally say. And the email was sent to my 3 different emails I have, as if he didn't know which one was my primary email I use. It just doesn't make sense. A little voice in the back of my head tells me over and over that John had help writing this email, and I wouldn't doubt it if he even wrote it at all.

With emotions flying high I continued on with my weekend of celebration full of friends and family. Although the sun was high and the temperature was hot, I attended a ceremony that I have been waiting to go to for a very long time. Through out the entire ceremony I shook with both excitement and nervousness; so shaking that when I received my diploma I almost dropped it. And $10,000 and 5 years later I have a piece of paper to prove that I have graduated from college.

And all of my hard work had definitely paid off, for I already have a job lined up for me and am suppose to begin my training tomorrow. I feel very grateful for already been given a wonderful opportunity of a full time job and think of the numbers of college graduates who are stuck at a minimum wage job, having tried every job there is out there.

So this is it. This is a time for me to start new chapter in my life. I may have lost someone very close to me, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Hopefully John will figure out sooner then later that he is in a bad situation, but being that he is completely brainwashed, it's not my problem anymore for I've done all I can do. It's time for me to instead do what I enjoy doing: Teach and provide an education for children. My search for a one bedroom apartment has begun, as well as the start of adulthood.

Seize the day!