I'm on top of the world

It’s been a month since I’ve started dating Tyrel, and every day I become happier and spend less time thinking about John. I think back to where I was 6 weeks ago, a time when I was left on the back burner, unknown about the outcome of my future. How I spent many nights crying, waiting for a phone call that never came and feelings of being unloved. Finally something snapped, and my fuse of patience ran out. I finally decided that enough was enough.

Since I’m started my new relationship, I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Me and John are two different people with completely different personalities. The fact that I was able to put up with him for 5 years amazes me. And I don’t understand why I gave him so many opportunities and chances to get back together with me. But now, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I still wouldn’t want to get back together with him. I loved John but he broke my heart. Now it’s healed and I look back at the type of person he really is. I think about the arguments we had and the stupidest things he would get mad at me for and how he treated me. Sure it didn’t happen all the time, but I would say 40% of the time he was an asshole to me. I always said that I was happy being with John, but was I really happy or “brainwashed” into thinking that I was happy? I may never know the answer to that, but all I do know is that I’m VERY happy being in my current relationship.

Being in my current relationship I finally feel free to do the things that I enjoy doing. And aside from our different taste in music, we seem to have everything else in common- types of food we eat, activities and hobbies. I’ve been doing things that I normally didn’t get to do when I was dating John. I have someone who treats me like a human being and with respect. Someone to hold and call me beautiful. I think one of my favorite things about Tyrel, is how random and spontaneous he is. We could wake up and not have any plans and I will tell him, “Well I feel like doing this today,” and we will go and do it, no questions asked!

John is nothing but a distant memory to me now. And although we are broken up, I still think about the happy memories we shared together. I only hope that he has learned his lesson and doesn’t make the same mistakes so that he can be happy once again.

Why I love my life

I love the way I'm happy once again
I feel that I am myself
I have started a new chapter in my life- new job, new beginning, new boy
I've forgotten the past and started thinking about a better future
I cherish the good memories but forget about the bad ones
I feel on top of the world
I'm finally listening to my heart
I do the things I love to do
I'm not criticized for what I like/do
I've become a stronger person
I've become more independent
I am doing this because it's something that I want to do, not other people
My family rocks
My friends are awesome
I look forward to going to work everyday
I have moved on!

And so it begins

This past week has been the best week ever. Over the weekend I got in touch with an old friend I went to high school with. Towards the end of my junior end we sort of "dated" after I broke up with my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately it didn't last very long and that's when I met John. After that I never saw or talked to the guy again until about 2 weeks ago.

I bring this up because I can finally say that I don't want John back into my life as a boyfriend. It may have taken me a long time for me to get over him, but I think a lot of that was because I didn't want to. Even after everything that he did to me, I still wanted him back. It has nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't a strong person, I just still cared about him and loved him.

But now my heart is starting to feel whole again thanks to a new friendship. I've gone on a couple with this person and have had so much fun on all of them. He is sweet and nice and able to make me laugh. I feel happy and loved once again. For now I'm just leaving it as a mutual friendship but look forward to more dates in the future.

This is the end to a new beginning

Last weekend was one of my biggest life changing events that involved lots of tears, and emotions. A time when you say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. The weekend started off with built up anger that lead to bitterness that quickly ended my relationship with John for good. I'm not normally a cynical person and felt bad for saying all of those terrible things to John so I did end up apologizing. When I tried to reach him on Wednesday, I found out that he had blocked my phone number, leaving me unable to call or text him. He doesn't want to talk or see me and has nothing left to say to me. Although I could use a different phone to try and contact to him, I don't see much of a point because he wont answer and, according to him, he will be changing his phone number. My only source of communication with him is through email, which is part of the reason why I got so upset about it. He is too much of a coward to face me and say what he needs to say to my face so instead he sends me an email to tell me that we are done for good. I feel hurt that I didn't get to say goodbye to him properly, and am more worried about his well-being then ever.

I plan on respecting John's wishes. If he wants to be immature about the whole situation, and then go on dating an abusive/controlling, emotional, split-personality bitch, then that's his problem now. There is no point in trying to help him because nothing will change unless he is willing to change. Although I will admit to reading his email repeatedly and can't help but think that there is something... off about it. The words and vocabulary that were used are things that John doesn't normally say. And the email was sent to my 3 different emails I have, as if he didn't know which one was my primary email I use. It just doesn't make sense. A little voice in the back of my head tells me over and over that John had help writing this email, and I wouldn't doubt it if he even wrote it at all.

With emotions flying high I continued on with my weekend of celebration full of friends and family. Although the sun was high and the temperature was hot, I attended a ceremony that I have been waiting to go to for a very long time. Through out the entire ceremony I shook with both excitement and nervousness; so shaking that when I received my diploma I almost dropped it. And $10,000 and 5 years later I have a piece of paper to prove that I have graduated from college.

And all of my hard work had definitely paid off, for I already have a job lined up for me and am suppose to begin my training tomorrow. I feel very grateful for already been given a wonderful opportunity of a full time job and think of the numbers of college graduates who are stuck at a minimum wage job, having tried every job there is out there.

So this is it. This is a time for me to start new chapter in my life. I may have lost someone very close to me, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Hopefully John will figure out sooner then later that he is in a bad situation, but being that he is completely brainwashed, it's not my problem anymore for I've done all I can do. It's time for me to instead do what I enjoy doing: Teach and provide an education for children. My search for a one bedroom apartment has begun, as well as the start of adulthood.

Seize the day!

A break up is the best thing that could happen to you. It means you didn't marry the wrong person

I figured I would explain a little more about my more recent post on both here and facebook. I'm not usually a cynical person but all this built up tension and anger really got the best of me last night.

I had a conversation with John, possibly our last one. Things are little bitter between us which leads to me blocking and deleting him completely out of my life. Because of it being finals week I'm just going to leave it as it is for now, but would like to eventually patch things up with him so that things aren't so intense between us.

Having said that, I would like to say another thing: After being in a relationship for 5 and a half years you can't expect me to just forget about it and move on so quickly. You must remember that this was someone who I thought was going to be my lifelong partner. A person that is still very near and dear to me, so please I ask you, let me work through this at my own pace. I appreciate the concern but I can take care of myself.

For now, who knows what the future may bring. Maybe someday our path's (mine and John's) will cross again to hopefully make peace with each other. You may not agree with me doing this but I ask you to support me. After everything that has happened, I've come to the realization that I need to stop listening to other people and have them influence me to make decisions that I don't want to make. It's time for me to step back and allow myself to listen to my own my heart so that I may continue being happy in life. Even if that means others aren't. Take that however you want but it's what I've decided to do.

To end off I would like to quote a friend of mine who was having a discussion about with someone regarding relationships and breakups:

"It was, basically, that you cannot be married for twenty plus years and then get a divorce unless one of the two follow things has occurred. The first is that you were never really in love with each other to begin with. You loved each other, but not the kind of love that was meant "for forever." It was the hormones and the attraction and the fleeting romance that fooled you into believing that two people-any two people- could just last forever. The second thing is that you are having a personal conflict that you cannot resolve. An itch. A question not yet answered. Something you feel you need to do but haven't done yet. And for some reason, whatever that is, you can't communicate your emotions with your spouse. You can't for the life of you believe that you could go out and do these things and then come back to them satisfied."

Teaching: My True Profession

Through out my life, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. I remember way back when I was in middle school, I told all my friends and family that I was going to grow up and be a teacher, just like my uncle. At the time I knew little about teaching in general but I just had this strange feeling that I would be good at it. I loved working with little kids; interacting with them, playing games and doing hands activities. I figured since I could do all the things, teaching would be easy, right? After all, there is not much to do when it comes to teaching, as long as the children are having fun, that is all that matters. This was the mentality I use to have when it came to being a teacher. I was proved wrong once I actually started college and put in a classroom and then all of a sudden I had to come up with engaging but educational plans that are developmentally appropriate. I started thinking, “what did I get myself into?” But then I remember back when I was a junior in high school. The day when I found the real reason why I wanted to be a teacher, the day that changed my life forever.
It was not always easy growing up in my household. Being the oldest, I had to help my parents with my younger brother and sisters, which meant I was learning how to change diapers at the age of ten. By the time I was 16, I was like a 2nd mom to my youngest sister. So what does this have to do with teaching? Well, the fact that I enjoyed taking care of my younger siblings shows that I love being with kids. They bring me such joy that I could be having the worst day of my life, and I could watch a three year old bounce a ball, attempting to catch it, over and over again, and I become the happiest person in the world. The fact that kids bring me such joy, shows that I have a good quality in becoming a teacher. In order to become a teacher, you have to like being around kids, because you are around them for a good six hours of the day, five days a week. If you do not like kids, then those six hours will be total hell, you will probably be bald from pulling your hair out from frustration. I can be around kids all day, and enjoy every minute of it
So what is the real reason why I want to be a teacher? Honestly I didn’t know the answer to that until my junior year of high school, the day I was put into a classroom for a job shadow. The teacher in the classroom told me that she wanted me to work with a particular child that didn’t know how to read. So I grabbed the child, along with some books and went out into the hallway so it was just me and him. I started off by asking him which book he wanted me to read first. He shrugged his shoulders not really interested, so I picked an easy reader book asking him if he wanted to read it. He told me that he didn’t know how to read, so I replied back, “well how about I read it first, and then you can try reading it while I help you?” He agreed and I started reading it out load, while pointing to every word I was saying. After I was done, it was his turn to read and surprisingly enough he actually started to read every single word correctly, pointing to the words as he was reading. After he was done I simple said to him, “you just read a book all by yourself. Good job!” The boy smiled the biggest the smile I had ever seen, beaming from ear to ear. At that moment, I soon realized why I wanted to become a teacher. The fact that I was able to take this boy aside, who did not know how to read, and then have him be able to read a book by himself, was the greatest feeling in the world. I felt not only proud of him, but proud of myself that I taught a kid something and made a difference in his life. From that day on, I knew that teaching was my calling, and that I had made the right decision in becoming a teacher.
I soon learned that teaching is not as easy it looks. There are specific goals that need to be set and lesson plans to write that seem to take hours to do. Yes, the work may be a little overwhelming at time, but in the end it is totally worth it. You as a teacher make a difference in a child’s life, rather it be teaching them to read, or how to write their name. Whatever it may be, the rewards always override the costs. Do not get me wrong, I still struggle trying to come up with the perfect lesson, but I always try and stay optimistic about it. You really need to have a passion for teaching, because if you do not, you will be unhappy in life.

You dont just stop loving someone. Either you never did or you always will

Well the day finally came where I found out what has been going through John's head and everything finally makes sense. It may have been painful to hear what he had to say, but I feel that it's good for me to hear it. As much as I feel stupid for not figuring it out sooner, I also feel that a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Even if me and John don't plan on getting back together, I feel better knowing the reason behind everything. I think that if there anything that I have learned from all this, is how much I love and care about John. Even during the times that I hated him, I still loved him; Even after everything that has happened.

I guess that's just the kind of person I am. I was raised to always be a good person and no matter how much pain that person has caused me, I can never wish that same pain onto that person. I see the good in everyone. Even the cruel, heartless, selfish people. This probably explains why I have such a hard letting go of people. It's not because that I am not a strong person, I just am the type of person not to give up on someone, which is why I stuck with John for as long as I did.

The conclusion to the night ended in John saying, "I've f***ed up big time. And I don't blame you for never talking to me again." I don't really trust him, but the only reason why I was able to believe anything he had to say to me was because he was really broken up about it. I can't really say what's going to happen from here on out. He is in a relationship with the person he's been trying to get for the past year and now... he is absolutely miserable. Me and everyone else tried to tell him that he would hate it, but some people learn the hard the way. They need to experience it themselves in order to truly know what they want. And now that he is in this new relationship with someone else he realized that what we had was special and never knew how much he took things for granted.

I want to say that I'm sorry that things aren't working out between him and Darcy, because all I could ever want is for him to be happy, but at the same time when I hear how miserable he is, I can't help but smile and think to myself, "It serves you right asshole." I don't know what's going to happen between me and John, I just know that if he EVER wants to try and get back together me, he is going to have to work for it; big time. He knows that he will have cut Darcy out of his life for good, changing his phone number, email address and never communicate with her again. If this is something that he is willing to do for me, then I can see a sign of hope for us.